my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
