Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
