We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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