Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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