it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
