onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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