Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
