Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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