I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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