Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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