We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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