suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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