uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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