I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize