i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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