We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
