You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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