i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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