We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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