I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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