Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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