oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
