No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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