I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
