Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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