You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
