Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
