I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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