i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
