You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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