I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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