I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
