I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
