sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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