two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
