fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
