kristin has been a bad kristin
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
