I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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