I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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