dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
