Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
