and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
