Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think i have two assholes
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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