I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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