i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
