So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
