A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
