Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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