I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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