i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
