her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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