the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
