My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
