the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
