you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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