chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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