if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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