my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
