I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
