I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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