Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
