lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
