So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
