You're earring is so big in my mouth
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
